Vol. 1-No. 1 | DALA Defined

Ruminations on DALA: A massive lesson in business and life.

First things first - you’ll see a lot of “I” in the beginning of this post and that’s no way to treat a reader - usually.

But if you hang in for just a minute you’ll get to the value and see why the story is important. But like any value, it only emerges if you do the work, if you do more than just read and tuck this away. Do the homework at the bottom - that is what will make the difference for you. All of the “I” stuff at the top is for context and to let you know a little about the person behind the post.

Everything about my career in the fortune 50 and with private equity firms was awesome, and I wouldn't trade away any of those (yes) 38 years. I really did start full-time work at 17, and left it at 55. I had the best upbringing that any financial professional could:

• I was a child who benefited from nepotism to get in the door, but had to (and did) survive and thrive on performance.

• DuPont paid 100% for my undergraduate and graduate degrees. Accounting and MBA, respectively.

• I got to start in the mailroom - still one of my very favorite jobs (We’ll cover that in another post because many of my best lessons came from what I made of it.)

• And then I was mentored by a string of leaders who were decades ahead of their time.

But in my last corporate job, I worked for a (literal) billionaire who taught me only one thing: That I would never work for an asshole again.

So that got me to thinking about what makes an asshole act like an asshole? And more importantly, what are the guide rails that keep us all from acting like assholes? And specifically, how could I keep from acting like an asshole and help others to avoid it as well.

I knew in my heart that business could be done right I knew that people and relationships could be prioritized without sacrificing profits, and without taking a leadership role in a billionaire’s chess game. So I quit, and in 2017 launched my own business.

But I still couldn't come up with the formula to avoid becoming an asshole. But then I come across

Nic Peterson

and his Wolf Den, and I resonated with something I couldn't quite define, but was compelled to keep hanging around.

And then, in one of my reads from Nic, I found it. And then I heard it at a get-together, and then I saw others talking about it. The prescription to answer my nagging question!

And because I’d also learned from Nic's writing that keeping an open loop is one of the biggest tips to real learning, it hit me.

This was the answer, and it held the secret to how I could keep from acting like an asshole.

DALA. Yup. That’s it. He captured it in four words and then some basic instructions: "Don't Act Like an Asshole".

How? Stop doing stuff that takes you farther away from what you want.

Now, on first review, that could sound like advice on how to be selfish and maybe the opposite of our objective here. But on deeper reflection, it’s exactly right, because, perhaps being selfish - at least in defining what we really want - is hyper-essential to integrity. And doing anything other than living in integrity to what we really want is disingenuous. And that is actually what leads to us act like assholes. When we live away from, and continue to distance ourselves from what we want, resentment and passive-aggressiveness and victimhood emerge. And then we get all tied up in denying or avoiding what we really want. And that really captures it!

So just to create your own open learning loop, here is today’s homework:

1. Think back on people in your life who have acted like assholes.

2. Make a list of them

3. Consider each one in turn and ask, “Were they doing things that moved them farther from what they really want?” “Were they even aware of what they really wanted?”

4. Ask yourself, “When have I acted like an asshole?” And see if you can connect the dots to see what you were doing to move yourself away from what you really wanted in life during that time. Pressure-test where you are today and whether your daily decisions are leading you to or away from what you want.

Because when I do this exercise I can see that every time I’ve acted like an asshole this all lines up. And since I started paying attention to defining what I really want, those occurrences of assholeness have diminished significantly. Oh, I’m not immune by any means, but I’m happier and wealthier as a result of paying attention, as a result of keeping open loops open. Wealthier in friendships, in business, and in awareness.

And as for my billionaire boss - although he’d likely still deny it, money really isn’t everything, playing with people’s lives isn’t everything. What is likely everything to him - based on his long and very public history - surely had more to do with being cared about; genuinely loved. And he took steps away from that every time he tried to buy that love, or respect, or fear from others.

DALA. Thanks Nic.